Sometimes it helps to have a name for what you’re experiencing. Sometimes it helps a lot.
I sat in my new friend’s home, trying desperately to explain what I had been experiencing. She had invited me for the weekend, so I could get some distance from my situation and could talk, or be silent – whatever I needed most.
I needed most to be heard. So I talked: While we drove from the airport. While we walked around her neighborhood. While we sat in her house.
I sat at her kitchen table, and she stood, pouring coffee, when I ran out of words. She turned to me and said, “Deborah, what you’re describing is shunning. You are being shunned.”
A group shuns when the people in it reject and even erase someone who has belonged. Also called ostracism or social rejection, shunning creates exiles.
Most shunning by groups of people occurs in abusive systems. In fact, shunning is a key tactic of such systems, the abusers we have not seen.
I’ve found very little online posted by Christians about shunning within the church. Yet it happens. A lot. And shunning is especially deadly when practiced by a person’s spiritual community.
The quotes below shine a light into the dark practice of shunning. Since shunning looks the same, whatever the group involved, I’ve tweaked some quotes that referred to shunning in the workplace, to show how they apply in a church culture.
If you’ve been shunned, be aware: These quotes contain potential trauma triggers. They may also validate what you’ve found hard to identify or describe.
The ultimate rejection
In any given group – including churches, denominations and Christian ministries – shunning starts with a few, who then use wiles and power to involve the larger group.
Leaders may initiate shunning “as a way to enforce order and maintain control.” In fact, leaders are “often at the helm of ostracism, encouraging it to force [someone] out.”
Most shunning “is aimed not at the [person] who has been the most disruptive or aggressive, but at the [one] who has most displeased [key leaders].” Often, the target had valid reasons for speaking up, “such as reporting misconduct or expressing an unpopular view.”
Shunning may include “ignoring [someone’s] very presence, and sometimes even their efforts to simply speak.”
“Shunning is a form of ‘crazy-making,’ which so damages the target that it can take years to recover and rebuild a social and [spiritual] life.”
– “The Silence of Shunning: A Conversation with Kipling Williams,” by Janice Harper
“When a person is marked for punishment or elimination by [leaders], [others in the group] instinctively avoid being seen with that person for fear of their own status being tarnished.”
“To targets of shunning, the near instantaneous isolation almost always comes as a shock, and the intensifying silence that encircles them is indeed deadly.”
“When we do shun, we rarely call it by name, and virtually always shift the blame to the target as having brought it on themselves.”
– “A Reason (and Season) to Stop Shunning,” by Janice Harper
“Ostracism is among the most devastating experiences we can endure, deeply connected to our most fundamental human need to be recognized and accepted.”
Thus, shunning “can freak us out even more than being hit, ridiculed or yelled at, causing our bodies and minds to suffer exquisitely. Our need to belong is so strong that we experience psychological and physical effects right away.”
“In the hands of a petty and malicious [church leader], ostracism becomes a finely tuned instrument of torture, and one that can be implemented with little fear. There is an ambiguity to it: the targeted person wonders if it’s really happening, and since no one tells the target what may be wrong, the person can’t address the problem. The target feels humiliated and without recourse.”
The opposite of love
One Christian speaking up about shunning is Stephen Parsons. In his post, “Shunning – a barbaric practice,” Parsons says:
It’s “a cruel and barbaric practice when individuals are pushed out, for whatever reason, from the tightly knitted security of a religious group.”
The main motive behind such cruelty? “The group, in order to protect its ‘purity,’ has to deny a voice, or even existence, to those who criticize it or, worse still, decide to abandon its version of truth.”
“The more an individual had obtained his identity from being part of the group, the greater the sense of total desolation when he is cast out.”
“The act of shunning is a form of psychological murder, the desire that someone should cease to exist.”
In his YouTube talk on the subject, Parsons calls shunning an “instrument of absolute horror,” “absolute destructive behavior” and an “action of sheer brutality.”
It’s been said, he adds: “Abuse is when you treat somebody as a thing, rather than as a person.” He suggests: “Treating somebody as though they aren’t even there is actually worse.”
Parsons draws from Ostracism, by Kipling Williams, to explain: “Ostracism has as its aim the attacking of four basic human needs:
- Belonging
- Self-esteem
- Sense of control
- Meaningful existence
“If you attack any or all of these, you attack, not the body, but the soul. Ostracism is spiritual murder.”
“I can’t think of any greater example of the opposite of human love.”
The exile-maker
Shunning creates exiles, in more ways than one.
Exile can happen while you’re still physically attached to a group
You still participate, but you’re acutely aware: you’re an outsider now.
You’re aware – and yet the fog created by the non-act of shunning is so strong that it totally disorients you. In that fog, it’s almost impossible to breathe. Your thoughts and feelings ricochet:
People who were my friends yesterday treat me like a leper today. I’m being frozen out. But can that be true? And why? For speaking up about a wrong? For doing something courageous and right? Could this many Christians choose to act this badly? Surely not. Did I do it all wrong? Surely they just don’t understand.
Exile can result in your physically removing yourself, or being pushed out
When that happens, the shunners will continue to make damage control their highest priority – closing ranks to hide the evidence of their wrongdoing, while spreading innuendos and false accusations about you.
In the fog that now swirls around the entire group, pretty much everyone you’ve cared about may believe you’re the villain. Your efforts to convince them that you’re not will only make them more sure that you are.
A hellish illusion
However it plays out, shunning is hellish. Just in the few sources I’ve mentioned, it’s been called:
- The social death penalty
- One of the most devastating experiences we can endure
- Crazy-making
- A finely tuned instrument of torture
- Sheer brutality
- Spiritual murder
When seeking to follow the Lord Jesus has gotten you shamed and shunned by your church culture, it shakes you to your core.
You may appeal again and again to people you just know will hear you and set things right.
Yet instead, those you thought you knew, and whom you believed to be godly, systematically strip you of needs as basic as your need for food, water, shelter, air:
You do not belong. You do not count. You have no power. You do not exist.
A stunning realization
In Christ:
Such shunning is excruciating, as was Jesus’ death.
And yet! Such shunning is empty, as was Jesus’ tomb.
Dear one, beloved of God, what an exiling church culture threatens to do to you, it cannot do. Unless you let it. What people intend for evil, the Lord your God will use for good. If you’ll allow him.
By him and in him: You exist. You count. You have authority. You belong.
Those who shun you cannot exile you from God
They can only exile you from an idolatrous system posing as God. When they do, you’re set to know and love your Lord as never before. You’re set to realize: He is the source of all you long for and desperately need.
Those who shun you cannot exile you from HIS church
They can only exile you from the counterfeit church, the world in church clothing.
If you are willing, God will show you the counterfeits that the shunning has exposed. Gently but firmly, he will uncover what is very hard to face but crucial to know:
The people behind the shunning are not who you had believed them to be. The relationships that turned to ash in the blink of an eye were not what you had thought them to be. Much that you had accepted as godly doesn’t reflect the heart of God at all. Much that you had accepted as true is illusion designed to control.
As you begin to see all that, your life may feel like a nightmare. Your losses may feel unbearable.
Yet as you wrestle through the grief and pain of realizing, acknowledging and releasing what never was …
What shunners intended to shame, silence and erase you, God can use to set you free
The Spirit of Christ lives within you. As you mourn, he will comfort you. As you wait in faith before him, he will lead you into a new place – a spacious and restful place.
God saved me from my powerful enemy,
saved me from my foes,
who were too much for me.He brought me out to wide-open spaces;
he pulled me out safe
because he is pleased with me.
(Ps. 18:17, 19 CEB)
He will free you to seek and find your true identity.
As you leave behind a controlling system, as you learn to get that system out of you, you can also learn to separate out the precious from the worthless in your thinking, your beliefs, your words and deeds. More and more, you can become the you that your Creator and Savior designed you to be.
He will free you to seek and find true belonging.
In God’s timing, he will connect you with others who are pressing in to truth, to love, to life. They too may have been shunned and scattered for following Christ. Together, you can learn what it really means to love one another, and to be the church our Lord designed us to be.
The voice of love
Any group that shuns is withholding your deepest needs in order to control you. That’s the opposite of loving you. In exile from the counterfeit, listen to the voice of love, speaking Isaiah 43:1-4 (CEB), and speaking personally to you.
But now, says the Lord – the one who created you, the one who formed you: Don’t fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; when through the rivers, they won’t sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you won’t be scorched and flame won’t burn you.
I am the Lord your God, the holy one of Israel, your savior.
And you, dear one? Lean in and drink in what our Savior says of you, to you:
You are precious in my eyes, you are honored, and I love you.
“Shunning in the church” was first published on August 12, 2018. This is an updated version.
Image by Alexey Topolyanskiy at Stocksnap
More toxic stuff in the church
Because healing begins with seeing
- Cliques in the church – What happens when cliquish mindsets and behaviors grip large segments of the church?
- Bullying in the church – Bullying of adults by other adults thrives in systems where manipulation, coercion and control are practiced and accepted as the norm.
- Breathing crises in the church – He who created us and gave himself for us knows how crucial it is to act when breathing stops.
- Celebrity culture in the church – Even when we think we’re not susceptible to the lure of celebrity, it may deceive us into agreeing with much that is not God.
- Adulthood and the church – When only a chosen few are counted as adults, God’s intent for his church has been turned on its head.
- Beware the illusion of refuge: Abuse in the church – They say, “All is well, all is well,” when it is not.
- Witchcraft in the church – Here is its essence: Manipulate. Intimidate. Dominate.
- Illusionists! The abusers we have not seen – How abusers and abusive systems hide in plain sight.
- Checklists, idols and loving God – Loyalty to a church system does not equal faithfulness to the Lord Jesus Christ.
- Bucking the system: Shunning, submission and Jesus – Never did Jesus excuse himself from doing what was good and godly because a human leader told him to do something else.
More healing from toxic church
Posts in the series, To the exiles scattered
- To the exiles scattered (by abuse in the church)
- The world in church clothing
- Shunning in the church
- A promise of real belonging
- The most freeing thing
- A future filled with hope
- And the future starts now
Posts in the series, Will you follow me?
(my experience of shunning in the church)
Been there, thanks to an Episcopal bishop and a rector. And I’ve also seen: Abusers and their attorneys may try to claim that the use of words like “spiritual murder” and “torture” are a threat and try to get a restraining order against their victims.
I hate that you’ve experienced this, Eric. You’re not alone! You’ll notice that I edited your comment to leave out specific names. It’s important to identify and expose abusers, and there are people who know how to help victims do so in appropriate ways. That’s not the purpose of this site, however, and it’s not what I’m equipped to do. Thank you for speaking out to say, “This has happened to me.”
My daughter called last week, crying. She moved far from home for a new job. She attended a church there twice, before the shunning. A guy from Bible study group invited everyone in the group to his house for a game night later that week. Everyone, except her… she doesn’t even know why.
Now the others are joining in… one girl texted her the wrong Zoom IP address so she couldn’t join in their online bible study during the Quarantine. And another girl who says, “after this quaratine, I’ll go hiking with you”. Later she discovered the girl had posted pics of hiking w others from the group on Instagram. They’re all doing it now.
I have no advice to give. These people are evil.
I’m sitting here hurting with you and your daughter, PJ. There are no words.
Hi Deborah,
I just read about ur article on shunning. I am 72 and have suffered shunning from my daughter and son in law who are the leaders and founders of an indispensable t church. This has been going on for years and I continue to suffer everyday. I am a Christian and love the Lord. I am hanging by a thread. Please reach out to me as you seem by your writings you are the only person who can understand. Thank you.
It’s both reaffirming and heartbreaking to read this post and the comments.
I was shunned by both my college ‘Christian’ community and my young adult group at Church ever since I got into a relationship (with my now ex-girlfriend).
Both of those commuities knew “us”.
And they did the works: stopped inviting me to hang-outs or meetings, talked a lot about me, and never contacted me. It was hell.
I still don’t know exactly why i was shunned, but I believe she gossiped about me and gave me a bad name when things weren’t working out.
Thankfully, not everyone gave in to the maliciousness. At one point some friends told me what she was doing: asking the group to stop talking to me and being my friend because we were breaking up.
Through different ways the Lord is still healing my image of Him, myself, and the real Body of Christ. Progress has been made.
Blessings to all. And you are not alone.
Thank you for speaking up, abruisedreed1220. Shunning is painful every single time. Thank you for the gentle reminder that “A bruised reed he [Jesus] will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice” (Isa. 42:3).
First, I’m sorry for what you went through, I understand more then you know, and no, nobody should be shunned in such a manner doing great damage on how they view the church, but, the Lord said, ‘there would be wolves in sheep’s clothing’. I came across your article when doing research for my thesis on The Wounded Church. I found your information quite helpful, thank you. May God richly bless you and your ministry to the wounded church
Thank you, Intercessor’s Heart! If you’re interested, you can find more posts on similar issues, under the category “Healing from Toxic Church.” Blessings on your research and writing!
I had a stroke, with some complications – even though the stroke, itself, was fairly minor. My friends in MN grew fearful and distant and shunned me. They brought their whole church on board. I was trespassed for doing nothing more than coming to church. Never was I disruptive or threatening in any way whatsoever. After THREE YEARS of this, I moved to Indiana because the pain was so intense and the first church I reached out to heard my story and, without ever giving me a CHANCE, not a CHANCE, chose to reject me as well. They played so many mind games with me; with various members of their extremely large staff giving me different criteria I had to meet before I could come to their church. This article says it all. My definition of cruelty is “having the ABILITY to alleviate suffering but choosing not to”. Both of these churches are cruel and the one in Indiana is so controlling that I believe it could be classified as a cult. They are run exclusively by domineering men who seem to have a passion for controlling single, never-married women such as myself.
https://www.keytruths.com/shunning-in-the-church/
I hate that this has happened to you, pridee55. I’ve edited your comment, omitting some details, in line with the policy on this website aimed at safeguarding you and all abuse victims. But I read every word and am grieving with you over the shunning you’ve experienced. Thank you for speaking up. God is the defender of forsaken women. May he work mightily in your behalf to help you overcome, and not be taken down by, those who have shunned you in his name.
That sounds RLDS Mormon – members on ice being shunned by one who thinks the world revolves around him – Priest — that really shouldn’t be father’s or priests—
I attended church this morning, and I sat down at a table with some women, and the two ladies that are in control of the worship music, acted like I was invisible. I am going to sing at our service on Christmas Eve, and I had to ask our pianist if she had a copy of the track I have chosen to sing. I ordered the track from a reputable company, but due to un authorized charges on my credit card, I had to cancel the order. Also we have been practicing for a cantata, but the worship leaders treat me like I’m not even there. So I decided to drop out of the cantata, and just sing Christmas Eve. I feel shunned. If it turns out to be the same way next Sunday I will leave the church for good. I did nothing wrong, but they have made me feel like the victim. All I have ever done is be nice to everyone, but yet I am being shunned. And it is just tearing me up. And it’s a Baptist Church to boot. I just don’t feel welcome anymore.
This sounds so very familiar, Michael. And it is so very wrong. What you’ve experienced in no way represents who Jesus is. May he connect you with people whose lives reflect his love.
I had not realized how much our post-abusive-church-exit was hurting me, until a fairly innocent comment on the Facebook post of the ONE friend from that church who will still talk to me, albeit only via text and Facebook messages, led to other friends obviously ignoring and even correcting me – but not by addressing me directly.
Mind you, these were friends we had done LIFE with, going on vacations together, having joint birthday parties… and now I am persona non grata.
I get it. I understand that they must close ranks to preserve the purity of the system, and that I am a threat to that.
But it still hurts. I have done the unthinkable, (for me, that is) and snoozed all my old friends in Facebook. It hurts too much to see them carrying on which their lives as normal, when I am an invisible nobody. As if I never existed.
God has given me a sweet blessing in that I work in a Christian school environment and my colleagues have been an immeasurable support.
I do so appreciate your post. Especially the “life after” part, where God turns all things beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you for telling some of your story, Sumi. I can deeply identify, and so can so many others. Your “unthinkable” action of snoozing all your old FB friends was actually very wise.
May all of us who have been shunned give ourselves permission to grieve our deep losses. May we be comforted by Christ himself. And may we each find every single one of the new, real, healthy relationships Jesus has promised in Mark 10:29-30.
Thank you, Deborah. Shunning is especially painful from the ones you considered to be your church family, as we expect church to be a place of comfort and healing. I experienced this when I left my abusive husband. So many people saw me as a problem to solve (or just hope it goes away), instead of a person who was hurting. My situation made them uncomfortable, so they chose to ignore it, and both me and my children by extension. I lost my ministry positions in the church, my friends, and was completely alone. I reached out to anyone who would listen, but all I ever got was the generic, “I’ll pray for you”.
My “aha” moment at that church was in my Sunday School class one morning, when this very sweet couple was talking about how when the husband had an injury, the church was so warm and caring, called daily, and filled their fridge with casseroles. I couldn’t hold back the tears, because I hadn’t received any interaction from anyone in this class, even as a newly-single mom with five children and struggling financially. I had to excuse myself, and I honestly don’t think anyone missed me.
It’s better now, but still painful to think about. We are finally in an amazingly supportive church making new friends, but that was a long, hard road.
Thank you for telling part of your story, Phoenix. What happened to you and your children was wrong. It made an incredibly hard situation incredibly harder. I’m so glad you and your family have found new, caring relationships. May your spirit, soul and body continue to heal.
Have to talk to someone. I am a musician who has been in the worship team for 15 years until our church moved to a new site. Every team member has been invited back to worship except me. Just a Code of Silence and avoidance . My sideline ministry has been preservice and after service prayer with my wife and others plus healing service. Everytime I worship in the back of the congregation I have a meltdown as I sing my worship to an audience of ONE without my instrument. The battle is in my thoughts and I have heard every one of them – what to do, scripture, confront, conform, go away, etc. They also did this to my son some years ago plus other leaders who now have their own church, ministry and divorces. But this church is growing in numbers and popularity. I am ashamed to invite my non believing hockey playing friends to my church who were interested in hearing my instrument.
Help Lord help!
Thank you for speaking up, Alexander. A couple of thoughts:
Shunning is cruel and extremely painful. There is no quick fix. Please don’t shame yourself because you’re not “overcoming.” Please give yourself permission, time and space to grieve. Space means: God may lead you to distance yourself from the people and place where you are being abused. If so, follow him.
In the midst of the pain, you’re beginning to see things that are very hard to see. You may be tempted to try to unsee them. But God is showing you what is crucial to knowing and following him. Please keep looking. Please choose to see. Everything else will unfold from that.
I so identify with you. The pain is beyond excruciating! I am so sorry.
I hate that you’ve experienced this too, Beth. You’re so right about the pain.
PNW Covid 19 lockdown freeze out…what could be worse than moving to a new town, joining the local church with friendly loving people swooping you week after week with joy to see you & you’ve gotten to know as friends sharing lunch together suddenly turn on you & you don’t know why, you just suddenly experience rejection by not just one but most? what could be more unloving going into lockdown shunned? My mother always said “just because someone goes to church doesn’t mean they are a true believer” When the Facebook page came up, it felt like a lifeline during isolation and I stated so online but as the women shared and conversed with each other, my posts went completely ignored, zero response as they reached out to and responded to each other. That goes for emails as well. I sent three unanswered emails to the Bible Study teacher…nothing, just silence. So I e-maild others….silence. I stayed attached to the church by offering to make calls to the isolated, which has been edifying. A couple weeks before the lockdown, my husband brought up an issue with the Pastor regarding a doctrine concern – he irritated the pastor with the concern that had nothing to do with me. My husband’s men’s fellowship went on unscathed. I don’t know any of you but please pray for me that I will not be pitiful, angry, bitter, resentful or jaded….rather just move on. I hurt, I cried but I don’t want to wear this burden. My heart is in my throat writing this because these are people I cared about dumped like an unworthy old shoe. Truly the church can be one of the most dangerous places yet there’s such a yearning to be in the body of Christ with true believers that love God.
I’m hurting for you, Vicki. I hate what has been done to you. And I’m praying for you at this moment in the way you asked. What you’re experiencing is very wrong, and all too common.
“Truly the church can be one of the most dangerous places yet there’s such a yearning to be in the body of Christ with true believers that love God.” This heartcry grips me too. I’ve spent a long time learning to see how to untangle the worthless from the precious, and the counterfeit from the real.
May I suggest, as you’re able, that you read more of the posts under “Healing from Toxic Church.” I’ve never met you, but they were written with you in mind.
Oh my Lord, how gracious art thou? It is 4am, woke up at 3:30am overwhelmed with these emotions and thoughts of what I have been experiencing at my church over the last few years. My goodness, in curiosity I google the word ostracized and this article came up. Oh how I needed to read this. THIS IS ME!!! I have so much to say, but it would become a book. In the last three weeks I have experience 5 losses of very close friends. 4 of them very young and in tragic circumstances. 3 were from the same family that we’ve known for over 35 years. I reached out on a prayer chat group and received barely a response, and certainly not even one phone call. I sense that God has used this to confirm what He has been trying to tell me in the last seven years. I have been caught in that cycle of seeking to belong by involving myself in whatever they need, to only feel worst when I am around them because I can clearly see the hypocrisy, the envy, the ignorance, their shunning of others, their cliques, and their arrogance and greed. These observations over the years has caused me to lose faith in the body of Christ, which in turn leads me to self-condemnation. Oh my, just on and on, and on. I am scheduled to co-facilitate a 9 week course on 9/14/20 and I do not want to be a part of it, but I feel I would be misrepresenting myself. However, this is how I have been thinking and feeling all this time. This article has helped me to see I am not crazy, I am not rebellious, and more importantly I am not unworthy. I am in exile because I see truth. Wow!!! The world in church clothing!!! Thank you for this article, Tonight I had a meeting with them, none of them gave me a condolence. Two of them actually avoided looking at me or greeting me directly. I cannot do this anymore. I have to walk away. Jesus keeps telling me, “put your hand on the plow and don’t look back”. God bless you for this insight, thank you. Praise God who truly never forsakes us. Now I have to heal……. I would so welcome your feedback if possible. Peace.
Thank you so much for speaking up, Elsa. I hate that you’re experiencing this. I hate that so many others are too. “Shunning in the church” is my most viewed post, which tells me something is terribly amiss in today’s church culture. You asked for my feedback, and I have lots of thoughts, but haven’t yet found all the words to express them. So for now, let me start with this:
Please give yourself a safe space to grieve. In addition to the huge losses you’ve experienced by death, this new realization of the shunning brings to the front another huge loss in your life. Even when shunning is not going on, the churched who should give comfort often try to shut down grief, rather than to embrace it. This, too, is opposite God, who even now is holding you and weeping with you. So yes, please do walk away, with Jesus, and before anything else, allow yourself to grieve. (If it would be helpful, my posts on “The blessing of mourning” and “Where narcissists rule” say more about that.)
This article hits home. It is done from abusive people in groups that tried hard to hide abuse within the group toward another. It’s not just one moment you look up and you’re shunned. This is an ongoing situation that by the shunning they released the secret of the abuse and they can’t hide it anymore. They can no longer blame others. It’s them; it’s their problem; it’s abuse they learned. It’s a legacy of abuse they passed to their own kids /and nephews /- and the person shunned is truly blessed to be out of the abusive group and God shut the door and offered a better life to them.
I was shunned several years ago because my husband was in the midst of a major addiction and all that came with that. My brother is the pastor of the church I was shunned from. I, in turn, was cut off from my family. What’s unique in my case is the fact I was written out of my Mom’s will. She was told my husband would steal my inheritance and that me getting anything was not God’s will, that it could bring a curse to the future generations. Thank the Lord, my husband has been clean since! They had no faith in what GOD could do. If they did, none of this would’ve happened. I came out with what happened a few days ago on FB. Since then I’ve had message after after message from others who have been shunned. They’ve started sending text messages out to members about a “very important service this Sunday. It stated they would not live stream it or make cds. Can’t get in trouble if there’s no proof! This is a tactic that’s been used for many years. This time…I have nothing to fear! My prayers are with anyone who has been shunned. Tearing families apart is not God’s will. My heart is broken for mothers who can’t see their children or grandchildren. Only the One true God can heal the wounds…🙏🏼💗
The stories I’ve read here are absolutely heartbreaking! God loves each and every one of you! I love you!
Thank you so much for speaking up, Lynette. It can be crushing when church and family cut you off. As I write, it’s the day of the church meeting you mentioned. I’m standing with you as you go with God. ♥️
WoW! I typed the following in the search engine “Healing from a toxic church” and your blog popped up so I scrolled down and read about boundaries. Next I read “I will change your name and my 3rd was this article, “Shunning in the Church”. You mean to tell me I’m not tripping and that other people are going through the exact same thing? The last week of February I brought abuse I was “enduring” to the light. (I worked at a church). I started a few months earlier and received abuse early on from the Sr. Pastor and his former assistant (namely her). I lovingly went to my abuser 3 times about separate incidences to confront the situation (to no avail). Finally I presented the data to HR + the Executive Pastor. I asked “what’s the company policy for abusive behavior?” She called the Sr. Pastor and he marched down to my office and said “call the dogs off!” He was ranting and raving. He said he has worked with this individual for years and I would never convince him of the claims I’ve made against her. I even had emails. I said it sounds like his mind is made up and asked him to please stop yelling. He said this is drama and this is not working for him. He said as his assistant, I am responsible for ensuring he has no stress. I don’t understand why he overacted over my inquiry to find out more details in reference to how abuse is tolerated in the company/church. I didn’t even clue him in to what I was doing–she called him crying. Nevertheless, a week later after blowing the whistle I was fired. They met with us a week later after I submitted my claim (I saw the HR Director, Ex Pastor and Sr. Pastor having offline meetings days post my claim. That Sunday, I received an apology from HR for the delay. We met with my abuser first and me second last Tuesday. I admit, I took off that Wednesday to grieve because no one would protect me from the abuse. They kept gaslighting me in the meeting Tuesday and refused to look at the evidence or hear what I had to say. Their mind was made up. When the meeting started, I was told to keep it positive and that what I was facing will never happen again. They started victim-blaming and twisted everything and put the abuser in a positive light and I became the enemy. I was told she has 4-years tenure and I only have 4 months and to let it go. I was told to give more grace. I said my grace was abused. They said “obviously you were hurt” and I said I saw the repeated behavior as harmful. After the incident a few of my co workers (her clique) started shunning me. I took off Wednesday of last week to get my thoughts together (the day after the meeting–I wrote a resignation letter Tuesday night, but needed God to show me if he wanted me to submit it). I never turned in it. From 8AM-12Noon I sought the Lord for I wanted to be in His will. Thursday morning I was fired for “No Call No Show.” The day prior, I called in around 3PM and worked from home at 12noon and followed up with an email the day of the “No Call No Show” at 5PM. The employee handbook says you will be fired after two occurrences but I was fired after one. That’s okay. God saved me. I asked them is it retaliation due to the abuse charge? They quickly said no. Hmmm…interesting how I was told to give grace but I take off for a mental self care day because I was not getting any support, they fired me and escorted me out like I was a common criminal. I will never work for a church again! I had a non for profit contact me for a job on Linkedin but I declined. I think it will be in my best interest if I took time off to heal first. In the meeting, they asked me what did I have to say for myself for not showing up to work? I said I was at home seeking the Lord and I acknowledged the “No call No show” and told them I am willing to face the consequences. They told me they come first and handed me my letter of termination. They also handed me my last check. Wow! Really? The Lord told me to hold my peace and I just smiled. The Executive Pastor got upset because I was smiling. Wow. They did me a favor. My daughter said I am loyal to a fault. She’s right–even with healthy boundaries–I admit I would have stayed in that toxic environment that was wreaking havoc on my health so I see their dismissal as my “Exodus”. Thank You Jesus for delivering me. It’s God’s grace that I was released in 4 months instead of staying for years tolerating unrepentant abusive behaviors. Thank You Jesus for delivering me! Man’s rejection is God’s acceptance. Thanks Deborah for this article! It was as if I wrote it because it mirrors my story!
You’re not tripping, New Beginnings. And MANY other people are going through the same thing. Of all the posts on my blog, this is the one that gets the most views, day after day, year after year. That says so very much about the state of the church.
Your ability to see what was going on so clearly and quickly – and your quick release – were all good gifts from God. I’m thanking Jesus with you! And yes, please do give yourself time to heal.
If possible, I would very much love to hear your thoughts on the following: I wrote a “review” of a church I had issues with…I never posted it; it’s been a way for me to process or something, I guess.
I’ve read and reread your story. With much prayer, I’ve emailed you my thoughts. In short:
There is great value in telling and retelling your story of trauma, as you seek to understand what happened and why. There is also value in not saying too much publicly while you are in that process.
I hope you will continue to process your experience. Journaling can help a lot.
My prayer for you is one I continually pray for myself: that you will be willing to see the truth and to walk in the light of it. And that you will be freed from trying to get people who have shunned you to own up to what they did or to accept you again as one of “them.”
I just recently was shunned in a women’s bible study group for the first time in my life. At least I now know the lack of spiritual maturity I was sitting at the table with, but wow-it was all because I shared an unpopular opinion. why cant people just agree to disagree? Sisters in Christ are supposed to love and support each other, not hate or justify their hate. I’d report this to the senior pastor as I think they should know, but really only God can work on these peoples hearts so that perhaps one day they will grow. We’re starting the new church hunt this weekend.
What happened to you is so wrong. Tragically, it’s also very common. And if you had reported the shunning to the senior pastor, the likelihood is high that you would have been very dismayed by the results.
Blessings in your search for a community of believers who are learning to relate to God and people in truly godly ways.
I was talking about this with someone just the other day. This tactic is fairly well known on the small scale of abusive marriages–the silent treatment. But when it’s an entire GROUP of “normal” people who until the shunning were our friends, I can see why it would be utterly crazy-making and totally devastating. I am so sorry it happened to you and so glad you’ve been speaking out about it to help others.
Deborah, thank you for the article. So true. The good news is that not “fitting” in a dysfunctional system is a good thing. Rather than resist the system, my bias is to simply leave. As you trust in yourself and embrace the light, you’ll inevitably be drawn to “higher functioning” groups / people.
“Not ‘fitting’ in a dysfunctional system is a good thing.” I agree, John. And as I hope I’ve communicated in my post, leaving such a system can be a very good thing.
For me, personally, getting out of the system – and getting the system out of me – has been life-saving and life-giving. But it has taken t-i-m-e, and a willingness to see, and to grieve, and to be gut-level honest with God, and to go with him, as he teaches me little by little to separate out what appears religious, but is toxic, from what is precious and truly HIM.
So I would caution people not to expect to “simply leave” a shunning group, or to assume they’ll be “inevitably drawn” to a healthier one.
Also, I believe the one factor most important to healing and connecting with others in healthy ways is to press in to know and trust the Lord. For it is in him that we are able to walk in the light, and to know and live from our true selves.
And in the aftermath of shunning, trusting God isn’t simple either. When someone is trying to emerge from a system that has emotionally beaten them to a pulp, while purporting to represent Jesus Christ, it can require time, and honesty, and humility, and courage even to begin to trust him again.
For years, I’ve been crying, “Come out! Be free!” to people in abusive church systems. I so want others to know the LIFE and the true belonging that is available outside the toxic that masquerades as Christ.
But I cannot say of this journey, “Nothing to it.” Because the Lord doesn’t say that. Instead, he tells us: “I will never desert you, nor will I ever abandon you” (Heb. 13:5).
Dear Beloved Brothers and Sisters,
I am a Christian too and it’s just wrong to do this to anyone. When you are being avoided and shunned, sometimes people are threatened by you. You may have something that they do not have, a better job as an example, or you may have traits in your character that show up other peoples flaws as you are more Christlike. A lot of people are not able to deal with this. Just try not to take it personally as, if it were someone else, it is possible they would do the same. Always remember they were saying no to Christ initially and wanting to kill him in the end. Just pray for God’s strength and courage.
Not Mormon or Jehovah Witness or even Amish. Evangelical Free. I wanted to make one last effort to find out why this church has been SO EXTREMELY CRUEL to me. Now they have taken legal action against me. I have PLEADED with my current ministry leaders to read this article and so far, no one has. I need to find a church where SOMEONE will at least READ this to understand what I’ve been through. It is the most intensely lonely experience and I have no family. I feel like I can’t survive this. I cry all the time and the pain is intense and relentless. HOW CAN A CHURCH HATE ME MORE THAN THEY LOVE JESUS?????
I’m deeply distressed for you, pridee55. My heart goes out to you. I don’t even have words. I edited your email before publishing it, for your protection. I also sent you an email, to check on you. You matter. I hope and pray you will be able to find hope and help where there seems to be none, and strength within you that you do not know you have.
My daughter just left an abusive marriage. Her husband cannot keep a job- has been fired from 3 jobs in the last year, sleeping every single day, addicted to drugs, alcohol, shopping, food…..extremely verbally abusive towards her, yelling, screaming and blaming her for everything! She knew she had to leave when he started throwing things against the wall and she really started to fear for her own safety. They have only been married for 16 months and she has already put him through 3 rehabs. He still does not believe he has a problem and has now been diagnosed as a Covert Narcissist. She prayed and cried and begged, but there has been no accountability on his part and it worsened by the day.
They are part of a small community and a small church. She is part of a Lifegroup as well as a women’s prayer group and she is involved in children’s ministry. These people all saw what happened, walked the road with her, until….. When she told her friend in the women’s group that she was going to leave the marriage, she was met with silence. The next day two of the women came to her house and said these exact words to her: “We can not and will never condone what you just did. You made a covenant and abuse is just part of the “worse” of marriage. It is no reason for you to leave. If you want to come back to church, you may, but just remember your actions are not condoned.”
Since then, no one from her spiritual community has reached out to her to love and support her on this extremely difficult path. She is devastated. I now realize that she has been shunned. It is a very small community and she feels so unwelcome. The abuser is getting all the sympathy. My heart breaks for my daughter – what a cruel, cruel thing to do.
My heart goes out to your daughter and to you. What she’s experiencing is so wrong and so cruel, and so tragically common. It does NOT come from the heart of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Wow….SO many thoughts……. But I think the most compelling question I have at the moment is, why, why do good, loving, wise, believers, support such a heinous and cruel system or pastor? What’s in it for them? Do you know of a way for this kind of abuse to be dealt with within the offending church and a person who has been wrongly targeted by a pastor with ulterior motives to be grafted back into the church family again?
I too was shunned from a non-denominational church.
It has been two years, and I still think about it daily. It hurts incredibly.
Though, despite me feeling this way, also being angry, and seeing how the congregation has really misused scripture, I still think they are doing it out of a right intent. They follow what they think in the Word to be true.
I still pray for them, and I’m happy to read this blog. Some things are recognisable, and it is always a great comfort to know the love of God.
I don’t know for how long I will carry this with me. I’ve conquered lots of grief in my life.
I lost my mother when I was 11, been through a great deal in mental hospitals. I was addicted to all kinds of drugs, but now I have a great well earning full-time job despite only having one of the lowest certificats available. I bought a house. I’m married. I found new loving people (there is always a risk when experiencing the rejection of shunning, to not open oneself to new people, or to become embittered). I still love the Lord.
The Lord is always watching and caring!
One thought that is really amazing, is that when you are experiencing a great deal of suffering, it is actually a sign of God putting a great deal of trust in you. He trusts that you will be able to get through it, and become stronger through it, God uses suffering in ways we don’t know. I wouldn’t have met my wife but through suffering, and likely she’d never know God without becoming my wife.
For all those in pain, God has endured a great deal in suffering, so He can help us in our suffering as well!
Hebrews 12: 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
He is always there in time of need!
God bless!