There’s a new version of this post! Here’s the link:
Illusionists! The abusers we have not seen
What happened to this version
Short answer
I’ve retired it after a good four-year run, because I’ve reworked it so thoroughly.
Slightly longer answer
August 30, 2019: I first published this post.
June 2021: I realized more needed to be said, so I revised and reposted.
July 2023: To my dismay, I found that most of a list of 16 “tactics designed to control” had disappeared from the post. After I restored the list, I realized something else.
The rest of the post was also a bit of a mess. It read like pieces of a fascinating puzzle that someone had stopped putting together partway through. Some pieces didn’t fit where they were placed. Some didn’t fit in this puzzle at all. And some important pieces were missing.
So I started over, to seek the right pieces and a better way to put them together. The result is a new post, with a slightly different title.
For now, I’m leaving this page live – with the original intro, and the explanation of what happened to the rest of the post – to guide anyone who might come looking … to the new one.
What led me to this subject
From birth, I lived with exploitation and rejection, and did not know it. I was an adult when overt abuse erupted against me “out of nowhere.” As I began to see, and to say what I was seeing, that initial abuse precipitated more abuse in a way I would never have dreamed.
One reason I experienced such ongoing, mushrooming trauma: I had not yet learned to recognize untrustworthy people. I hadn’t yet seen deeply enough into my past to realize why seemingly good Christian people could fool me every time.
But also the abuse mushroomed because I lived, worked and breathed inside more than one abusive system. These systems gave my abusers a host of unwitting allies – and free rein to batter me again and again.
What now
I was still learning when I made those first two attempts to tackle this subject. I’m still learning today, to recognize and understand more of what has been so profoundly hidden from our view.
Thank you for making your way here. Lord, help us see! Set us free!
Illusionists! The abusers we have not seen
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Yes, everyone is different and people can’t know for sure who is who. My grandfather was a minister. He masturbated in front of me when I was just 8 or 9. I’ll never forget his perverted look on his face. Then there was a respected teacher who was my father’s best friend. He came into my bedroom at night. Oral sex was even introduced when I was younger then 11. I was shielded from strangers, but trusted individuals were the abusers! Very good blog you have.
Thank you, Ashley. I hate that you were betrayed by adults who should have protected you. I hope you are able to grieve, to heal, to flourish and to connect to people who love in truth.
I have just divorced my abusive husband and I feel like God has shown me to change the church I attend during this pandemic. I am now seeing #2 the abusive system that caused more confusion more pain when trying to get help . Reading back in my journals I left “marriage counseling “ feeling so unprotected, more broken and alone. My abusive husband would feel so empowered… I truly blamed myself for how I felt as well as taking the blame for why he treated me or the kids with such hate.
Now I’m so broken believing the racism Is so much worse than any experience I have had…. I pray for more advocates to stand up and speak out for them! As I am white and in no way could understand racism, I feel like God is reminding me of the pain I was in (an in)and the cries for someone anyone to be a voice for me. Instead I sit here alone feeling the silent treatment from a larger system than just one individual-the church.
Not offended but maybe I should be
Absolutely angry at all the hate and evil in this world towards a culture that loves Jesus and hear their cries for an advocate!
Heather, thank you for sharing some of your story. I hate that you’ve been treated so badly by your ex-husband and by people in the church. How I can identify! I’m glad you’re seeking a place where you will be truly honored and loved. Keep seeking that. I’m also glad that your suffering has made you more aware of the suffering of others, who have been abused simply because of the color of their skin. May God continue to give you eyes to see, and a heart to feel his anger and grief, that flow from his deep, deep love.
HARD HARD TRUTHS here Deborah. It’s so hard to get Good people in abusive systems to slow down their vigor for the cause, and listen. Do you have suggestions?
This is such an insightful question. There is no casual answer. Rather, it’s a living-life-in-Christ answer, a growing-in-grace answer. Growing in his grace day by day:
* To love the Lord and people, and to live and speak from that love.
* To hear our Lord’s voice, to understand when he is telling us to speak, and what, and to whom; when he is telling us to wait and watch.
* To pray, to obey – and to let go, to leave the results with him, because another hard hard truth is: We cannot make anyone listen.
* To trust in, and wait on, the Lord. And to focus our efforts where he focused his. Jesus confronted the religious leaders, and he taught the crowds. But he spent himself most fully investing in the lives of those with ears to hear.
It’s like all those parables Jesus told about planting the good seed in good soil, and doing the important things needed to protect and cultivate that seed, yet at the same time trusting in and relying on the unseen processes of God to do their work.
Thank you. I repeat often to myself ” you can’t change a system that doesn’t want change … or at least recognize it needs changing.” True Transformation is a work of God.
That being said, i believe God is raising up voices from inside His true Body who are being used to expose/highlight the need for change/repentance. Thank you for being one of those voices❤️
I’m a black woman that was recently delivered (glory to God) out of an oppressive local predominately (95%) white presbytery system that was emotionally, verbally and spiritually abusive. I was delivered by the grace of God after 4 months of employment. What I endured at that religious institution made me vow to never again work for a church. When I reported the abuse, the abuse got worse (microaggressions, gaslighting, shunning, etc.). The Sr. Pastor protected my abuser. He himself was a bully and abuser. Trying to help them see the pain they were causing was unsuccessful. When I reported the abuse to HR, the abuse transitioned to victim blaming and a week later I was fired. They retaliated, but God will bring justice. Being fired broke the chains. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I’m FREE at last! Thank You Jesus!